


Night & Shadow

by just_chiara



Series: Zalex Week [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Based on Love Simon, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 02:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16296284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: Set pre-series, during their sophomore year. Zach is lonely and desperate for real human connection. One day, in his compliments bag, he finds a letter from a mysterious "Shadow".





	Night & Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Zalex Week 2018 - Day 2 - "Love, Simon" AU.

Every day, before checking his compliments bag, Zach reminded himself it would most likely be empty. Still, every day, upon finding it, in fact, empty, he was disappointed. He admitted it once, only once, to Hannah, thinking she might understand. She didn't.

“He's Zach Dempsey, does he really need compliments?” he heard her tell a friend as he walked away.

She was right in a way: it wasn’t really compliments he was longing for so much as human connection. He'd been stupid to think she would get that: he'd seen her talk with Sheri, Courtney Crimsen, Clay Jensen and that Tony guy. Real conversations, too. Not the teasing and ball-breaking that was constantly happening at his own lunch table.

To be fair, his brown bag wasn't always empty. Occasionally, he'd get a “Great game last night!” or a phone number signed with a girl's name in Monty's messy handwriting. His friend’s idea of a joke.

Then, one day, he found a completely different message.

> _Dear Zach,_
> 
> _I have a confession to make: I have a crush on you. I've been trying to work up the courage to tell you for a while now, but it's never the right moment. We're hardly ever alone. And, fine, I'll admit it: a couple of times the moment was right but I chickened out. It's a scary thing to tell to a person, you know? Especially if you're you and I'm me._
> 
> _Fuck, this is harder than I thought. I'm not making much sense, am I?_
> 
> _I guess what I wanted to say is that I've noticed you check your compliments bag every day like you're waiting for someone to reach out. Like you're lonely._
> 
> _Well, this is me, reaching out. Telling you someone cares about you. Telling you I'm lonely, too. I feel like, to everyone but myself, I am nothing but a shadow. I play their game, I play by their rules, but inside I’m screaming. And, inside, secretly, I imagine what it would be like to stop pretending that I’m like them, that I’m strong, that I know what I’m doing, that I’m not scared, that I’m straight, that I don’t like you this way._
> 
> _I think you do the same: you pretend you’re someone you’re not because you’re scared no one would like the real you. I hope it helps, knowing you’re not alone, even though you don’t know who I am._
> 
> _Love,  
>  Shadow_

Zach’s heart was beating faster. He couldn’t stop staring at the note, as if he was afraid it would fade away like a dream upon waking up if he didn’t hold on to it.

Was it a joke? Was someone fucking with him?

He didn’t think so. It felt real. It was written by someone who knew what the pressure to blend in felt like, who knew how lonely it was to keep your heart and mind sheltered from everyone but yourself. Someone who felt that way wouldn’t play a cruel joke on someone going through the same thing.

Zach felt a heavy slap on his back and quickly pocketed the piece of paper.

“Another love letter from Monty?” Justin teased.

“I lost count of how many times he wrote he wants to suck my dick,” Zach replied, quickly switching back into jock mode.

Justin laughed. “Don’t flatter yourself, Dempsey.”

Zach shot him a sideways glance as they walked out of the classroom together. They’d known each other since seventh grade and he knew that Justin was less tough than he made himself out to be. Justin wasn’t just the one-dimensional asshole who slept with half the girls at Liberty and didn’t care about anything but having fun. He could be vulnerable. Deep down, he was a nice guy.

Could Justin be Shadow?

Did Zach want him to be?

Shadow had to be someone from his group of friends. But who? If Shadow was as good at hiding his true self as Zach was, he could be anyone. Even Monty.

Alright, fine, maybe not Monty.

_Please, not Monty._

“It’s not my fault Montgomery is obsessed with my dick,” Zach shot back.

“Thanks a lot for the image, dude. I’ll go puke my guts out now. See you at lunch!”

Zach found himself alone in the hallway. He slid a hand into his pocket to check that the letter was still there before heading to his next class.

All day, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He read it again during History, while a movie was playing and their teacher snored quietly. He tried to find a clue, any clue, that would tell him who wrote it. It was typed, so he couldn’t match the handwriting to one of his friends. He wanted to reply, to talk to Shadow, but had no way of doing so. It felt good knowing he wasn't the only one feeling like he was losing himself behind a mask he didn't even like in order to be friends with people who didn't help with his loneliness. It was also fucking frustrating to know there was someone who understood him, that he was so close, and yet he had no way of getting in contact with him.

Still, that night, he wrote back. He told Shadow what the letter meant to him and how much he wished they could talk more. He signed it _Night_ because he felt like he and Shadow were one and the same, two faces of the same coin. They both had darkness within them and they both feared that a light – that the truth – could destroy them.

The next morning, he sneaked into Communications class before everyone else and left the letter in his own brown bag. The note was folded in four and had _SHADOW_ written in large letters on both sides. Maybe Shadow would check Zach’s bag for a reply. Or maybe he would see it when he left another message. It was a long shot, but Zach didn’t have a better plan.

Unfortunately, after class, the letter was still sitting in his compliments bag, untouched and alone.

Zach tried to forget about it, but all weekend Shadow kept popping into his mind.

He noticed Scott looking at him while they played poker and wondered if maybe he was Shadow. Or was it Bryce, who, at some point, slung an arm around his shoulders and started drunkenly reminiscing the first football game they played together? Was is Alex, who was sitting on the couch playing videogames like he wished he was anywhere but there? Or Justin, who offered Zach a joint to “forget about all this shit?”

Maybe Shadow was someone else entirely. Someone Zach shared a couple of classes with.

Maybe Shadow regretted ever reaching out to him.

Maybe it was all a fucking joke after all.

On Monday morning, Zach checked his compliments bag more out of habit than any real hope. He expected to find his letter to Shadow still in there, still as lonely in the paper bag as he felt.

There was, in fact, a letter in his bag, but it wasn’t the one he wrote: the name printed on the front was _Night_. His heart jumped furiously and his mind started racing. The rush of euphoria filling his chest almost made him sick. He felt drunk with hope.

He wanted to read it right away, but there were too many eyes there. It was too risky. Whatever this letter said, Zach knew it couldn’t fall into the wrong hands.

He slipped it into his backpack and walked out of the classroom.

Biology class was agonizingly slow that day, but, luckily, he had fifth period free. He hid in the library and, after checking that no one he knew was around, finally read the letter.

> _Dear Zach,_
> 
> _Or should I call you Night?_
> 
> _I love nights. I find them comforting. I was never afraid of the dark anyway – both literally and metaphorically. I find your complexity attractive. Everyone else here is one thing and one thing only, and you are… a whole person._
> 
> _I know you want me to tell you who I am. I want to tell you who I am, too. I promised myself that if you wrote back, I would tell you. But now I’m scared, even more than I was before, because I care about you even more than before._
> 
> _You probably have an idea of who I might be. Or maybe you hope I am that one guy you like. That’s even worse because what if I’m not who you expect me to be? What if I am exactly who you hope I’m not? What if I disappoint you? What if you don’t like me anymore?_
> 
> _You said you need me to write back. Well, I need you to write back, too. I’d rather have only a part of you than none of you. I think you get that._
> 
> _Love,  
>  Shadow_
> 
> _PS: Email me, it’s safer! onlyshad0wplay@gmail.com_

Zach leaned back against the chair. He felt so connected to Shadow and yet so far away from him. But Shadow was right: he did get why Shadow couldn’t lose him now that he knew what it felt like to be understood.

He wrote back.

And so it began, their strange relationship, made of confessions, shared secrets, and mutual support. Zach got addicted to the surge of happiness he felt every time he received a new email from Shadow.

He fell in love with Shadow, with his soul. He didn’t know what he looked like or how his voice sounded, but he knew what scared him and what made him anxious.

He also realized how little he knew all of his so-called friends. He knew so much about Shadow: he should have been able to figure out who he was. The fact that he couldn’t spoke volumes about the kind of superficial relationship he had with all of them.

It was exciting and frustrating. It made him feel on top of the world and lonelier than before. He and Shadow were both prisoners, each sitting in his own glass cell, looking at each other, talking to each other, and yet forever unable to smash the bulletproof glass and touch. Getting closer and closer but never quite touching. Two parallel lines speeding through life, destined to never meet.

_Please tell me who you are. I need to know who you are,_ Zach wrote one day.

_I can’t. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you,_ Shadow emailed back a few hours later.

No matter how many times Zach wrote that he didn’t care _who_ he was, he just wanted to talk to him in person, Shadow never gave in.

> _I told you too much. I shared too much of myself. I trust you, 100%, but I don’t trust myself. If I tell you who I am, then I need to be myself around you… and I’m scared. Please, please understand._

Zach did. He did understand. But he was in love and it hurt.

So, he did the only thing he could think of: he stopped replying. He let Shadow’s emails pile up in his inbox, unanswered. He refused to type even one single word back. The message was clear: if Shadow wanted to talk to him again, he would have to do that in person.

After a few days, the emails stopped. Zach’s phone went quiet.

He panicked.

Did he just lose the one person he felt connected to because he needed more than Shadow could give him? Why couldn’t he have been happy to just email Shadow? Why _did_ he need to know his real name? It was the only secret Shadow was keeping from him. Why did it matter so much?

He was a fucking idiot.

This is why he deserved to be alone.

Shadow was probably better off without him anyway.

He could have written back and told Shadow he was sorry and it was okay if he didn’t want to tell him his name, but it wouldn’t have been true. He wanted, needed to know who Shadow was.

He sat in his car alone during lunch. He read their old emails again. Then the most recent ones, the ones he never replied to. He tried, once again, to figure out who Shadow was. He’d been playing this game for weeks now and he still didn’t know. Maybe he could just ask all of his friends, one by one, point blank: “Are you Shadow?”

What would they think of him, though, the ones who _weren’t_ Shadow? And would it even work? Maybe Shadow’s poker face was inscrutable. Maybe he would fuck things up even more.

The passenger door of his car opened. Startled, Zach almost dropped his phone. He quickly slid it in his pocket before looking up.

“I’m sorry,” Alex said, sliding into the passenger seat. “It wasn’t fair and I know that. I kept telling myself I was protecting us both but the truth is I was protecting myself.”

Zach looked at him, confused. Was Alex saying…? Was Alex…?

“I’m Shadow. I should have told you weeks ago. I should have tr…”

Zach didn’t let him finish. He didn’t care about his explanations, his reasons, his apologies. They didn’t matter. He was here, now, and all Zach wanted to do was kiss him.

So he did.

He kissed him.

It wasn’t the awkward first kiss of two friends who fell for each other. It wasn’t the mind-blowing, passionate kiss of two boys who have been waiting too long either. It felt new and familiar at the same time. It was soft and intense. It was deep, like the bond they shared. It wasn’t just their lips that touched, it was their souls.

Alex smiled and licked his lips. “I thought maybe you’d be disappointed that it’s me, but I guess not.”

That was when Zach realized he’d actually been hoping it was Alex. He hadn’t dared to admit it even to himself for fear of being disappointed. He’d told himself it didn’t matter who it was. He knew Shadow, he knew the real person beneath the mask. Who cared what the mask looked like?

But he’d indulged himself in late-night fantasies: meeting Shadow, kissing Shadow, holding Shadow in his arms. And it was Alex’s face that he always saw.

It’d been Alex all along.

“I was hoping it’d be you,” Zach said before kissing him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Confession: I don't really like how this turned out. I'm posting it anyway since it's Zalex Week, but I wish I had time to rewrite it completely. Maybe turn it into a 60k slow-burn fanfic. Anyway. Gonna go finish tomorrow's fanfic now.


End file.
